Four-Seam

If you have been reading my blog you are probably thinking to yourself, "put this poor girl out of her misery" well so am I. But at this point I am comfortable with the lack of answers, to get an answer now actually would make it worse. It was around 8pm I thought about sending him a text asking "tell me how were you able to move on?" Maybe if I send him that text he will say "I didn't move on, it’s been hard, I miss you, can we talk?" I actually think it would result in another ignore, or cold harsh reality "you aren't the one, or I didn't see myself falling in love with you, or that my family was too much". My family is a lot and I love them dearly, I am not a reflection of my family.

Around 6pm I thought about sending "Will our paths ever cross again?" Everytime I almost send them I think just how pathetic, if our paths were going to cross they would have already. But then I also think about how I have always been someone to fight for love, if I just send the perfect text maybe he will answer and come back. Or the unspoken, It was my turn to fight or I should have fought harder, or to send a text to open the door back up.

I thought about the deep attachments and abandonment wounds he has and maybe as protection to abandon me first so he would not be abandoned again. I thought about the reality of the situation that maybe it opened up the doors for him that I wasn't that someone but there could be someone out there for him.

So many thoughts.

The answer is quite simple, I was love bombed. Which has been hard for me to realize and recognize, yet many of my friends were quick to this answer but it just did not make sense yet. I was still in the bomb of it all. He would say I was the pitch that every pitcher wants to throw [for the life of me I can't recall the baseball slang we will say its the four-seam, and yes I thought about texting him and asking] but it was like once I said I am in love with you the ball dropped, it was my third strike and I was out. I don't have any more balls. And I don't want to be "the crazy ex girlfriend", I am probably already that. Who knows.

I think even more so, the real answer is that he is not the one. I am not the one.

Maybe that will put me out of my misery....